Heir of Fire by Sarah J. Maas (Throne of Glass #3)

”One must be careful of books and what is inside them, for words have the power to change us.”-Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel

Well. This book has certainly changed a crucial piece inside me. Despite how strange this may sound, I know I was definitely someone else before reading this book. Now here I am at the end -- changed again.

The way SJM developed the relationship between Celaena and Rowan changed my perception of friendship. A bond that runs deeper than blood. A bond between two people who seem so close they might have known each other in another life. I have never seen an author so capable of writing such a beautiful, intimate bond like this. I honestly don't think I ever will.

The way Sarah J. Maas developed Celaena’s demons-- the way she fought to accept who she was and who she was becoming-- altered my perception of life, and of who we are as individuals. The message that was conveyed in this novel, that second chances exist, that it is never too late to change your fate, that you are loved by at least one person in this world. This book reminded me that it's OK to have fears, it's OK to fall apart and not know how to put yourself back, it's OK to not know who the hell you are. But you have to try your best, like Celaena did. Like Aelin did. You have to try your best to find that person underneath. Because even the strongest people-- Celaena, Aelin, Feyre, Bryce, Dorian-- don't know what they're doing. Even the strongest people fall. Even the strongest people feel weak.

Sarah J. Maas wrote of Manon Blackbeak, a girl who supposedly has no soul. A girl taught to breathe and act merciless. A girl who was not allowed to be anything else. As I was reading, I realized that Manon was a fucking gift. A reminder from SJM that it is never too late to change who you are, to change your direction. HoF reminded me that change is possible. And yes, maybe it's just a book. Maybe these things only ever happen in amazing, well-written novels. But when you have someone as strong and beautiful and badass as Manon Blackbeak, you realize that it doesn't matter if the story is fictional. Because the message you took from it is real, and it isn't going anywhere.

As I was reading this, I knew I wasn’t only reading about Celaena/Aelin and who she was trying to be. I was reading about a scared girl, a girl terrified to embrace her own deadliness. Because embracing who you are-- that takes guts. That takes strength. And when you embrace that person-- when you accept yourself for all that you are and all that you are not-- something inside you is now free. Something that can never again be caged by fear. Celaena reminds us that you have to embrace those deadly, broken parts of you, because no one else will. The truth is, no matter what fantasies we read in these novels, it is only fiction. There are not going to be many Rowans and Rhysands and Dorians out there. Most people will walk away from you because you're too much or too little or you're just not enough. There are so few people in this world that will love you for all that you are. So what I'm telling you is to do it yourself. Don't wait for someone to love you. Don't wait for someone to be 'the one'. Love yourself first, and the rest will come later. Love yourself first, and you've already won half the battle.

So, now that I've turned this review into a lecture, I might as well talk about HoF's lesson on letting go. In this book, we watch as Celaena fights to move on from Chaol, as she fights to choose herself. When you love someone and you give your all to them, we will always ask for that same love in return. And when we don’t get it, how do we live? Through Chaol’s story with Celaena, when he couldn’t understand that “bloodthirsty and unyielding part of her", we're reminded that letting go is so fucking hard. That when you love someone and you give them everything you have, when you give them every piece, we're left wondering why, in the end, we weren't enough. We start blaming ourselves. Something inside us breaks. It is a crucial piece that breaks. A piece that might always remain broken.

But from this lesson, we are reminded that pain is temporary. Celaena did not stay broken. She is worth too much to stay broken over one person. Her heart has too much too offer. So when shit hits the fan and things start to feel like they will never be OK, remember Celaena. Remember that inner battle she fought through and remember how she won. Remember how she was forced to face her true self, and most importantly, remember how she didn't give up.

Sarah J. Maas' HoF reminded me that even after you’ve hit rock bottom, even if you still feel broken, you have to keep going. You have no other choice. Because when you give up, you let the darkness win. There is so much light in this world. And our job is to find where it's coming from. But, like Celaena, if you can't find that light, turn it on yourself. Light it up.

I am fully prepared for my heart to shatter in Queen of Shadows.

And I'm so fucking ready.